mel-web

We often find ourselves in a tough place.  We get overwhelmed with responsibilities, a painful experience, or just the stress of breathing.  So we look for hope and inspiration.  Our past though it may (or may not) be full or triumphs over similar situations, good memories, and wonderful people can also be tough to look at when we’re seeing negativity.  We don’t see the good stuff when we’re currently in a bad state.  We see the compromises we still don’t like, the bad choices we made, the dreams given up, the regret and remorse for the way things went.  So we can’t look back when we are really struggling again.  So we look to the future.

The future holds promise, excitement, dreams yet to come true.  But not so much when we’re not seeing our way through today.  Get hit with “I want that now!” issue.  Pain and frustration with what we have not yet achieved.  Might not even be stuff you can get: personal partner, understanding, timing, financial freedom, or anything else outside you’re control.  They are simply out of reach no matter how much you want them now.

So here we are, hating today, pissed of at yesterday, and frustrated with tomorrow.  Can’t look ahead, can’t look back, and hate the view here.  Now What?

Well, I have good news.  We’re not 2D.  Feels like it though doesn’t it?  It’s me and the world.  Just the two of us at odds.  You and those responsiblities, those needs, those pains.  There is what is inside you trying to get out and what it outside you pressing in.  Well I encourage you to try a new direction.  Up.  Yup, that’s right, toward the heavens.  Try it.  Bend your neck back and look up at the sky (works nicely outside).  It feels different. I promise.

It was so weird for me at first that he never closes his eyes when he kisses me.  Well, actually at first I didn’t notice because my eyes were closed.  I asked him about him about it and I didn’t get some sweet lies about how he can’t take his eyes off me.  I got the truth: it’s just how he is.  He likes it better that way.

I continued to close my eyes under the impression that when I close my eyes I can concentrate more on my other senses.  And I did, and not just with him.  When I was relaxing with music, I’d focus on the sounds.  In the shower on the warmth.  Laying down to rest I’d close my eyes and shut out the world and concentrate on the sensation of my body releasing tension.  Then I got curious.  I started sneaking a peek here and there.  It was uncomfortable at first, and I had to let go of that and embrace the pleasant sights.  I’m finding it complimentary and that in many cases it’s enhancing my experiences.

Last night was the real ‘eye opener’ (sorry couldn’t resist the pun).  I was hanging in the hammock chair in the ManLand listening to music and reflecting on the week. Normally I close my eyes as I listen to take in the full spectrum of sounds in the music, and so I started that way.  Then I peeked.  We had just hung new track lighting above the pool table and turned off all other lights.  It created a great atmosphere, plus I got to admire his handy work: new lights, new bar stools.  The sight warmed my heart.  My eyes continued to drift shut (and eventually I took a short nap) but I felt better each time I opened them again.

There are still times I prefer to have my eyes closed, and there are moments I look forward to feeling comfortable to openly admiring.  I must thank my love for being confident enough to be himself and helping me experience pleasures in new ways.

Now I’m curious though: in what ways have people in your life helped you to enjoy our short stint on this planet?  Have you picked up great insight, habits, perspective, or behaviors from others?  Did you ever tell them ‘Thank you’?  Do you still have time to do so?  Will you? What about God, His Son?  Will you tell Him so?

Just wanted to take a moment this afternoon on lunch and say that I’ve finally moved in with ogg.  I’ve been living in the new house for a while, but not all my stuff was there.  After a strong effort from roomies this weekend I’ve got all but my fish tank up to the new house.  Still don’t know if or when we are having a house warming.  I’d like to have a little open house/BBQ before too long.  Something casual that folks can just swing by have a drink and see the place.

I’m saved no matter what, why should I do good and behave?

Answer this in the comments and then I will post my epiphany answer.

Sure, God exists.

Yup, Got me a Savior, it’s awesome.

If you agree with those two statements then you accept the basic truths of Christianity.  But are you really a Christian?  To be Christian means to be a disciple of Christ.  That is, to strive to be like Christ.  I keep reading my bible and realizing how crappy I am at this.  I don’t love everyone equally, I boast about myself,  I chase after worldly things that can be stolen, rust, and fade, I certainly do not act as a slave to all others, I’m really bad at being a good stuart, and I’m a complete failure when it comes to evangelizing.  Heck, I can’t even abide by the commandments.

Lucky for me God knew I’d be a fuck up.

But grace and a savior don’t excuse me from my responsibilities.  I find myself surrounded by ‘believers’ that entice me to be lazy in those responsibilities.  These are the folks that may or may not go to church, for the right or wrong reasons.  But they profess to be christians and to spend time with God, and to keep Him close.  Yet their actions say something else.  And if you ask them, they’ll tell you about how they think God accepts what they’re doing, that it’s just bending the rules.  The have an “understanding” with God is what they tell me.

I have finally, after many years of being a ‘believer’, become a disciple.  This has lead to many realizations about how poor my knowledge of God’s feelings.  That’s a crazy notion that I think gets neglected:  God’s feelings.  God has feelings?  God feels for us?  We offend Him and hurt Him?  We can make Him dance with joy?

Do I make Him dance more than cry?  Do I disappoint Him more often than I make Him smile?  Just because I think it’s okay in His eyes am I really doing what He wants?  Am I actually frustrating Him with my misunderstanding of His wishes?  I am serving God in a advisory capacity instead of as an underling?  How does it feel when someone points out in the bible “You’re doing it wrong!”?  How will I know when I’ve meet His wishes? Am I really being a disciple or just a believer?

I have no words that I use outside of church that I won’t use inside. I can say fuck in church without offending God. After all it was us who decided that fuck is a “bad word” not God. I don’t say it because I have no reason to (unless, of course, I stub my toe). On the other hand I have words I use at church but not in casual conversation.  Shouldn’t my vocab always be bidirectional?

In writing just a few entries I’ve had to correct myself from using ‘church words’. I want to keep these entries casual. They’re all synonyms really, almost, mostly. When I’m in the faith talk mode I think of things in strong, powerful ways. The church words seem to reflect that more. However, they do detract from the down to earth tone here. But there is one word that I in certain instances I can’t help but want to use.

Making Oaths, Commitments, Promises and… Covenants

Many times we make promises, and most of us follow through on them. My S.O. promised to dance with me at a friend’s wedding earlier this month and low and behold he swept me out on to the floor and made my heart melt.

On the flip side promises are often broken too. They’re made lightly and treated so by all parties involved. No harm, no foul.  It’s a natural part of humanity and the culture I’m a part of.

We do also make promises in this life that are so important that we might have signed with blood, or for that matter with our soul. Marriage is one. Commitment to follow Christ is another. There are lots more. These aren’t mere promises though.  These sorts of oaths, these pledges, have special a special name in church vocab.  We call such commitments covenants.

But I’ve never use the word covenant in casual conversation. It’s one of those words that doesn’t cross over from church to day-to-day life.  A covenant can be thought of like and unwritten contract.  But really, isn’t that what a promise is?  But we often treat a promise with far less respect.  Are promise and covenant really synonyms in casual conversation? Is that to say when I make a promise that I haven’t made such and oath or pledge of such magnitude? What if I were more committed in every promise I made?  What would happen if we all took a promise with as much importance as we treated covenants?  What if we treated a promise to a person the same as we treated a promise to God?  How do I treat promises made to me?  How does God treat promises I make to him?

Originally I attributed the following quote to my favorite band dc Talk as they quote it before the song “What if I Stumble”. However, it turns out it’s a quote from the Christian speaker and author Brennan Manning.

The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today, is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. This, is what an unbelieving world, simply finds, unbelievable.

He speaks not of all Christians but of a very specific group of us. Those of us who say we’re Christians but do not live like we are. We live as hypocrites, picking and choosing when to behave like Christians.  We choose which neighbors and family we accept.  We claim that church is about us and that we personally don’t need to be there on Sunday.  Why would anyone want to join a faith where the followers don’t follow? Have we set ourselves up to make sharing our faith harder than is possible so that we don’t have to do it? Are we embarrassed about our faith? Are we weak? Do we lack the knowledge about our own faith to give us the courage to live it? Do we simply lack the how-to of living in love and peace? What is it that holds us back from living a Christian life?

Do I believe God is the only God? Yes.

Do I believe God gave me His son to be my Savior? Yes. “Wouldn’t have a savior if I didn’t need him.”

Do I Worship God? You bet!

Do I Worship Jesus? Nope.

WHAT?!

That’s right. I don’t worship Jesus. I praise God. That’s what Jesus taught me. Jesus is my teacher. He came to teach the world of love. Taught us of God’s love, of love between people, even people you don’t like. I call myself a Christian because I am attempting (with great difficulty) to follow Christ. That is what being a Christian is all about. Being a true disciple is to be a student of the greatest teacher of love and peace that ever walked this planet.

But to take the title of Christian I take a lot of baggage. The Crusades? Yep, that was shitty and no true follower would kill in the name of love. Neither was any dirty hand in history that claimed association with the church. Christian Nazi? Um, no! Some crap-tastic highlights: Indulgence, Inquisition, and Rapture (because God has favorites). I’m not good with the Pope. I don’t think Jesus’ Mom is really who I should pray to (after all Jesus didn’t). And I would have drank the wine Jesus made, and I’ll drink with him on good occasion now. Dancing is good too! You want to know a huge secret? God invented sex too, in fact, He hand crafted the parts! (But do save it for your spouse please).

I don’t display a cross on my car, or wear it around my neck. I don’t have crazy bumper stickers to share my perspectives on salvation. I pray to God that my actions shows where my faith is. I pray that my face displays Him in all that I do. And if that is the case then I guess the label is unnecessary.

But when people ask, I still say Christian.  What am I supposed to say?  Is there a better title?  If there was a better title would I have the guts to use it?  Would I make it into a bumper sticker?  Would a new title start a movement?  Would it even make the news?  If I had a title that was clean and pure, untainted by history, would it have as much meaning?  Christians have been so persecuted globally for thousands of years, shouldn’t I own up to that side of it?  Take the name of martyrs and claim the good with the bad just like God claims all mankind?

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. Sometimes I get accused (and rightfully so) of playing mom to my friends. The older I get the more I realize how important parents, and all caregivers are. If ask an older person, your grandpa perhaps, him about getting into trouble as a kid he’ll have some tales for ya. But the neighbor turned him in, or mom caught him and he had some spectacular (and probably exaggerated) consequences. What happened to that? I see kids in my neighborhood misbehaving. I don’t even know what house they live in, let alone what their parent’s names are. Heck, I couldn’t tell you a single one of my neighbors’ names.

At this point in my life I blame a lack of good parenting and community for just about everything. And I’m a part of that! Nope, I don’t have kids. But I’m not doing what I pledged to do. Every time a child is baptized the congregation says the following.

[Child's Name], we welcome you into the Lord’s family. We receive you as a fellow member of the body of Christ and child of the same heavenly Father. We will care for you, pray for you and support your parents as they go about the holy task of raising you up in Christ.

Can you (because it’s difficult for me) imagine what it would be like if the whole community took such a pledge to heart? At first it would be more like what it was for our elders, but what about after a few generations? What support did you not get as a kid that a neighbor could have given you? What would be different if someone had filled in the holes when you were young? Why aren’t you filling in those needs for those around you now?

It’s these trains of thought that run through my head each day that inspire this blog. These strings of questions challenge my way of life and my beliefs. It’s what I chew on all day. Each day, or even each hour, sometimes as often as each minute a new inspiration gives me something tasty to chew on. They all stem from a Christian world view, but even a non-Christian could see worth in them. I hope that you find the rest of what’s to come in my blog to be inspirational and thought provoking.